ALBUQUERQUE—In a breakthrough discovery that could change the way Sun Signs live forever, the nation’s top pseudoscientists announced Friday that they had harnessed a high-energy quartz crystal capable of reversing the effects of being a Gemini. “From today onward, the Sign Of The Twins will no longer be forced to suffer while Mercury is in retrograde or while the Sun is nestled in Virgo,” said Astrology Institute professor Lisa Vincent, adding that the crystals, which were super dense and vibrated at hyper-attuned astral frequencies, were capable of eliminating all of Gemini’s dark traits, including flightiness, restlessness, and dishonesty. “Whether you...
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